Crash Bandicoot, Stage On!
by Genji Kazemaru
Summary: During a seemingly easy reconnaissance  mission, Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars come across Crash Bandicoot and a number of other colorful characters and discover Dr. Cortex's newest, dastardly plot.
1. Chapter 1

Sailor Moon Chronicles R

A Crazy Day on the N. Sanity Island

Crash Bandicoot, Stage On!

The Sailor Soldiers/Senshi of Earth, emissaries of the Justice League and the Jedi Council, were given the assignment of tracking down a group of galactic criminals, self-dubbed the Dark Kingdom, who had escaped into an another dimension that had been explored marginally by officials from the Galactic Republic. It was up to Sailor Moon (Usagi/Serena Tsukino), Sailor Mercury (Ami/Amy Mizuno), Sailor Mars (Rei Hino), Sailor Jupiter (Makoto/Lita Kino), Sailor Venus (Minako/Mina Aino), Sailor Uranus (Haruka/Amara Tenou), Sailor Nepute (Michiru/Michelle Kaiou), and Sailor Pluto (Setsuna/Trista Meiou), and Sailor Saturn (Zoey Yuki) to stop them.

Today, Usagi, Rei, Ami, Makoto, Minako, and Zoey were in a study room aboard the starship given to them by the Republic to explore and search for the Dark Kingdom. At the moment, the girls, who were all in the same grade level, were working on class work.

"This is so boring," whined Usagi. "Why do we have to do this?"

"We are superheroes and ordinary students," said Ami. "We need to keep up with our studies."

Usagi laid her cheek on her open textbook. "I'd rather go to Casino Park and have fun. We're flying right by Planet Mobius."

"We are merely patrolling the area and performing scans to pick up any signs of Dark Kingdom activity," added Rei. "Now, stop daydreaming and get back to studying. Out of all of us, your grades are the worst."

"I want to play with that gigantic pinball machine," Makoto said dreamily.

"I hear that they have state-of-the-art Pokémon battle arenas and five-star Pokémon spas," Zoey said, planting her smiling face on her palm.

"We should really get back to studying," piped up Ami, but she knew they were all off. "I have an idea." She got up and exciting the room and returned a few minutes later with a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies, just warm enough that a playful white steam waved to the girls.

"Ooh!" gasped Usagi in delight. "Those smell really good. A snack break is a good idea."

"This isn't a snack break," explained Ami. "This is reinforcement. There are math problems you all need to finish which I have already completed on my free time. If you want a cookie, you will need to show me a complete, and _correct_, math problem."

"That is so cruel!" Usagi sighed.

"Oh, she's good," Minako commented with giggle.

The girls started to work on their math problems, well, all of them except Usagi. She was stumped on the first one, so she decided to skip it and work on a different one. Sadly, the next one she found brought question marks to her eyes. The wafting, warm steam coming off of those cookies carried the smell of melting chocolate chips and tickled her nose teasingly. Her mouth watered, and she looked down at her page again. Then, her eyes wandered to the right onto Rei's page. She was near completing the first problem. This was her chance. If she was quick enough, she could copy Rei's work and answer and turn it in for cookie at the same time. It was cheating; she knew it, but she really wanted that cookie. So, quickly, Usagi jotted down, line for line, what she saw on Rei's page.

"Hey! You're cheating!" snapped Rei, pulling her paper away.

"Oh, Usagi," Ami said in disappointment.

"You are so pathetic!" Rei continued heatedly. "Are you that hungry and lazy?"

"I'm not lazy!" Usagi protested. "I'm just… just…not sure how to work the problem."

"Because you were goofing off and reading manga during the lecture again," Rei imposed.

"No… maybe."

"I knew it. You are such a goof-off."

"Well, you're a nasty hag!" Usagi snapped back.

"Lazy hag!" returned Rei.

The girls simultaneously stuck their tongues at each other.

"I knew this was going to happen," commented Makoto.

"How so?" asked Zoey.

"Because it always happens," she answered with a sigh.

Meanwhile, as Ami was trying to calm the two bickering girls down, their Compowders (communication devices disguised as makeup compacts) sounded. Minako answered hers first. Luna the Moon Cat appeared on the small screen.

"Master Kenobi is requesting to speak with you in the battle bridge immediately," she said.

"We'll be there," said Minako. "Besides," she looked at Usagi and Rei, both of whom were forcibly looking away from one other, "we could use a study break."

The girls entered the battle bridge. On the central table, Obi-Wan Kenobi and the Green Lantern (John Stewart) appeared as holograms.

"We have a new assignment for you, Sailor Soldiers," said Obi-Wan. "It appears that your resent scans of Mobius have caught a peculiar energy surge coming from an isolated archipelago." The islands appeared in hologram in front of the two standing holographic men. "The is no reason for people to be hear, nonetheless generating that kind of energy output recreationally, so your mission is to investigate the islands and see if there is something going on there. Even if the Dark Kingdom isn't connected, it may be worth keeping an eye on the location in case a threat develops."

"Since it is only a reconnaissance," added the Green Lantern, "only a small group will go, and the Council and the Founding Seven agreed on Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars going alone."

"What? Why?" Rei asked, remembering the spat the two had a few minutes ago.

"I don't want to go on a mission with her," Usagi said in a huff under her breath.

"The two of you have a bad track record of arguing while on assignment," he said sternly. "So far, nothing bad has happened, but your bickering could endanger your teammates. That's way we think it is best that you two handle some missions where you will have to work together. We are starting you off slow with grunt work. Even you can't mess this up."

"Go down to the surface and investigate the origin of these energy surges," Obi-Wan concluded. "And now for the gadgets. Today, you will be utilizing the Bio-lab Watch, the Net-launching Mascara Rod, and the Hairclip Tracking Device. Good luck." The transmission ended, and the holograms fizzled out.

"I hope that Obi-Wan and others know what they're doing," said Zoey, noticing how Usagi and Rei were still steamed at one another, having their arms folded across their chests and their breath holding pickling, curmudgeonly snips.

The sky was quite clear over the islands that they soon came into view once the Eta-class shuttle they piloted gliding down through the atmosphere. The girls wore classic safari clothing, sandy khaki in color and only embellished by the Galactic Roundel over the top left pocket of their vests. The archipelago of the Wumpa Islands curved below them into a smile on the glossy, deep blue sea. Each of the islands had some degree of geographical severity. Seemingly stable, towering mountain peeks, a massive, wild beast of a tree, crumbling ruins, and the shattered remnants of some manmade installations: this cover was an odd one for sure.

"I have a bad feeling about this," said Rei as she eyed the islands from the window. "I think we should land on one side of the archipelago and then progress to the other islands. Try landing on the southern one."

"Uh…" Usagi uttered doubtfully, "according to the map, it is called N. Sanity Island. Scary."

"That can't be right," said Rei, looking at the navigation computer. "Huh. That's the name. Well, still let's try it first. Aside from the big mountain, it doesn't look too bad."

"Why do you think it's called that?"

"Who knows?"

Usagi landed the shuttle on the beach, dubbed N. Sanity Beach on the map. Upon descending the ramp down to the sand, the two girls looked around and didn't see anything out of the ordinary on this jungle island. The sounds were classic too: the gentle petting of the shore by the waves, the squawks of the seagulls and the Wingulls.

"Everything looks normal so far," said Usagi.

"You can never be too sure. Let's go deeper inland. Don't freak out, okay?"

"I don't freak out," Usagi said snippily.

"I just hope you remember to set your pistol to stun," said Rei.

Usagi laughed sarcastically. When Rei had her back to her, she hastily checked to see if her pistol was set to stun. Fortunately, it was. They walked side by side, mostly due to Usagi's nerves. The shrubbery was quite thick, but they found what seemed to be a carved-out trail where the brush had been cleared. Wooden crates of unknown origins were scattered along the road. The sounds of a river originated nearby too.

"What do you think could be on these islands?" asked Usagi.

"I have no idea," answered Rei.

Suddenly, something flashed in the corner of Usagi's eye. Her head quickly turned and saw some large leaves in the brush end their rustling. She latched to Rei's arm. "Did you see that?"

Rei missed the movement of the leaves and just saw them still. "What is it?"

"I saw something move."

Rei kept looking but didn't see anything. "It was probably just a Mankey," she said dismissively. "Come on."

They continued walking through the jungle when Usagi noticed a rustling in the trees. "I saw it again." She walked ahead of Rei a few steps and pointed up. "Right up there." She looked around nervously. "This is getting really scary."

"You've been in a Heartless Otherworld dungeon," Rei said, annoyed. "Stop being such a crybaby. There is nothing –"

Insidious laughter cackled through the jungle.

"…here."

The laughter came again. This time it was made out to be more akin to a jolly yet crazed, creep chuckle.

"Who is that?" Rei questioned sternly. "Show yourself."

From with the leaves, a pearly-white grin formed, and then, CRASH! Usagi stumbled backwards with a yelp as something landed right in front over her. She sat up quickly, rubbing her head, and looked up to meet the gaze and insane grin of a creature with pearly-white teeth and big, green eyes and a round, purple nose at the end of his pointed snout. She crawled backwards quickly and leaned against Rei's leg.

"Wha…what is that?" she asked shaking.

What appeared before them appeared to be an anthropomorphic furry creature the height of a human teenager, a bandicoot, of bright orange fur, cream at the chest and belly and the lower half of his face, crimson hair shaped into spikes on his head, brown, fingerless gloves on his hands, which naturally had four fingers on each hand, purple sneakers at his feet, and blue jeans folded at the ends. He held his stomach and pointed at Usagi, chuckling wildly in a high and chopped pitch.

"Um… Hello…" said Rei.

The bandicoot stopped, breathing heavily, and looked at her.

"Can you understand us?" she asked.

He nodded his head rapidly like a flicked bubblehead toy.

"Can you talk?"

He seemed perplexed by this question, for he looked off to the side, cradled his muzzle in his hand, and stuck out his lower lip. Not finding an answer, he shrugged.

Rei stared back at him, dumbstruck. "Okay. Can you take us to someone we can talk to?"

He nodded wildly again. Then, he dashed down the path.

"Wait!" Rei called after him. "Come on, Usagi! Follow him!"

The two girls ran after the bandicoot, who was yelling, "wahoo!" as he jumped over the crates and gained distance.

"He is fast!" Usagi heaved.

"He is nuts!" Rei barked.

The young bandicoot dashed ahead through the jungle, knowing all of the leaves and branches. Those obstacles did slow down the girls, who were greenhorns on this island. It wasn't long before the bandicoot disappeared in the growing and approaching light ahead. Once it was reached, the two girls found themselves in a clearing with the ocean's breathing near.

"Now where did that guy go?" asked Rei.

"Look," said Usagi. She pointed to a round, wood and stone house.

However, what was more striking was the sight of another anthropomorphic bandicoot doing pushups. He was larger than a normal human man, a bit over six feet-tall and astonishingly muscular. His fur was a similar pattern to the smaller one they had chased, burgundy on most of his body while cream on his sculpted chest and belly, but what really came off as his most perplexing feature was his robotic right arm. He also had a bit of a Mohawk. He wore jungle fatigue pants and desert combat boots. Also, the smaller bandicoot was sitting on top of his back, picking his nose. When he spoke, it was terrifying. "You better not be doing something nasty up there!" His voice was harsh with a formulaic, iconic rasp. As soon as he caught Rei and Usagi in his eye, he hopped to feet, launching the smaller bandicoot off of his back. Immediately, he posed. "Hello, ladies…" Each following syllable came with a pose. "Wel-come-to-N-Sa-ni-ty Island!"

The girls were quiet and just stared at him.

"Hello…" said Rei, confused. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about some odd occurrences around the islands? Like any kind of tech?"

"Tech?" the big bandicoot repeated, scratching his head. "No. I don't know anything about no tech." As he said that he was scratching his head with his cybernetic head.

"If you have a question about technology, you would have better luck talking to Coco," someone said from behind.

As Usagi turned around, she said, "Thanks. Who would that – Ah!" She saw who was speaking and fell over in shock.

A floating, ornate, rectangular wooden mask decorated with brightly colored feathers and tribal paint spoke to them. His facial features were conveyed by the movements of the carved elements on his "face".

"Who… what might you be?" Rei asked with a hint of timidity or at least uncertainty.

"I am Aku Aku, guardian of the Wumpa Islands," he said. "We protect the islands from the evil Doctor Neo Cortex."

"Neo Cortex?" Usagi repeated. "I don't think we know him."

"Crash?" called a girl. "Where are you, Big Brother?"

A much younger bandicoot came up the hill. Her outward appearance was the quintessence of a young and spirited girl. She was small and dressed in bright pastels: a cottony white shirt, baby blue jeans, and pink tennis shoes. The flowing and wavy blonde hair on her head was tied in a high ponytail and decorated with a cerulean tropical flower. Her bright, green eyes were so glittery and innocent. When she saw the two lovely human girls, those glitters grew to stars. "Humans?" said in awe. "Wow! You two don't look like any humans I've ever seen. You're so… pretty."

"Thank you," Usagi said with a blush. "Are you Coco?"

"That's me," she said.

"It is nice to meet you," said Rei. "My name is Sailor Mars. And this is my friend Sailor Moon."

"You met Aku Aku," Coco said sweetly. "The big guy posing over there is Crunch. And..." She found herself watching the smaller male bandicoot scratch his rear. "That is my big brother Crash."

Rei and Usagi caught sight of him scratching his rear. When he saw them all looking at him, he stopped scratching but remained in that pose and then smiled shamelessly… or vacuously.

"It is a pleasure to meet all of you," Rei said awkwardly.

"So what brings you to our neck of the woods?" Coco asked. "We don't get a lot of visitors. Well, no one comes here."

"We are investigating sudden surges in energy localized to this archipelago," Usagi explained. "Perhaps you have noticed anything peculiar?"

Coco thought for a moment. "Not since the last time we stopped Doctor Cortex."

"Who is this Doctor Cortex?"

"He is a nasty scientist who wants to conquer the world," Coco went on. "He has done horrible things to the people and animals of the Wumpa Islands. He is a bad man, but my big brother always stops him."

Usagi, dumbfounded, looked at the smaller male bandicoot, who was now scratching his neck wildly due to fleas. Then she looked at the bigger, more muscular bandicoot with the robotic arm. "Is Crunch your brother too?"

"No. Crash is my one and only big brother."

Usagi looked at him again. Now, he had taken off his sneakers, revealing his four-toed feet, and smelled the insides for some reason. "Crash stops the wicked scientist?" she said slowly, trying to make sense of it.

"Crash can be surprising," said Aku Aku. "He is a lot stronger than he looks. He has even pummeled Crunch a few times."

"Only 'cause he was lucky!" protested Crunch. "Put your shoes back on!" he barked at Crash.

"I'll have to see it to believe it," said Usagi skeptically.

As they chatted, a mechanical eye was on them. Sitting on the roof of Crash's home was a small recon droid from Sailor Moon's dimension. Its camera feed was received and viewed on a monitor…

Meanwhile, in a shadowy laboratory, the image of the bandicoots and the two visitors glowed in the darkness on an old, black and white screen. From a mere foot away, a diminutive, portly man stood. Wearing a patchwork lab coat, black gloves, and black books, the right half of his face was metal and held a bionic eye. The organic half had gray skin and mop-like, blue hair. Ridiculously, a rocket the size of a football seemed to have crashed into the metal half of his head and was stuck there.

"Master, we have guests," he said in a Peter Lorre-esque accent. Igor would applaud.

"What is it, N. Gin?" said a voice with a "dandy" infliction. "I don't have time for your tomfoolery." He now appeared. With a head as big as his small and svelte body, noodles for limbs, and a big, shiny capitol "N" on his bulbous forehead, Doctor Neo Cortex strutted from his workstation. His skin was sickly, pale yellow. Tuffs of dark hair sprouted around the back of his head from ear to ear. One was at the peak of his forehead above the "N" where the top of his head began to plateau, giving his head the shape of a hammer, and those same tuffs made up the unruly piles of brush that could be called his eyebrows. He wore a slick, well-ironed white lab coat and dark red boots with matching gloves. He was quite ugly, very ugly.

"One of the robots the Dark Kingdom gave us has found those meddlesome bandicoots," said Doctor N Gin. "They are with two human girls. Ugh! Girls…"

"What?" Cortex exclaimed. He shoved N. Gin out of the way to get full few of the small screen. He saw them. "Send out our henchmen to that location immediately," he barked to N. Gin. "With the new creatures under our control courtesy of Kaorinite and the Dark Kingdom, I will finally destroy Crash Bandicoot and his friends once and for all!" He began to laugh hysterically as Mystique watched from the shadows and rolled her eyes. When he stopped laughing, he walked over to monitor again. "Let's see if we can get a closer look."

Back at the N. Sanity Beach, Coco invited the girls into the house. As the small group walked to the house, Crash noticed the recon droid crawling on the roof. He nudged Coco's shoulder and pointed at it.

"What is that?" she asked in wonder.

Rei gasped, pulled out her Hyperion pistol, and shot the droid square in the camera. It rolled off the roof and crashed on the ground with a loud thud. It made a few final beeps before going quiet and still. "I think I recognize this type of droid," she said, kneeling down to it. "I'm going to double check." She activated the Bio-lab Watch she was wearing on her wrist. It projected a scanning grid in the droid. "This scan should tell me if my hunch is right." She took out her Compowder the second it beep, having received the results quite quickly. "I was right. Made by Arakyd Industries, it's from our dimension. The Dark Kingdom is here on the Wumpa Islands."

"Dimension?" Coco repeated in shock.

"Uh…" Usagi said awkwardly. "It's a long story. In short, we are tracking down some villains. Whether or not your bad guy is working with our bad guys is still in question though." Usagi pulled out her Compowder and called Luna. "Luna, we found a droid here from our home dimension. Kaorinite and her goons are here. It was a recon droid, so it probably already alerted them to our presence of the island."

"That is not good," Luna said. "Try to find out where they might be. We'll send reinforcements if you encounter difficulties. In the meantime, find out all that you can about their plans on the islands."

"Understood." She ended the call and turned to Rei.

"Look!" called Coco.

Usagi and Rei both looked up to see droves of birds making an exodus from the trees in the distance. Then, a beast of a jeep erupted from the jungle. Its enormous engine roared as it pounced out of the jungle, landing back down and charging ahead in the direction of the heroes. Right when it seemed like it would mow them down, it came to a skidding swerve, skinning the earth with its truculent tires. A driver and two passengers jumped out. The driver was the first to land, and he landed with a bang and a roar. He was an anthropomorphic… something. Off appearance alone, he looked like two different animals: a Tasmanian Tiger and a Bengal Tiger. His body proportions left him top heavy, for his legs were rather small while his arms were enormous, leaving his razor-sharp claws to scrap the dirt as his he stood upright. His face was horrifying with a mouth of dagger teeth. Next, another monster hopped out. This one was terrifying too, but his composition made for a humorous twang. He too was an anthropomorphic combination of two animals, but this combination was clearly on purpose since it was a dingo and a crocodile spliced together. On his back, he carried an enormous gas canister and held a flamethrower in his hand. The third monster to hop out was an anthropomorphic, blue kangaroo, an anthropomorphic, blue kangaroo in a straightjacket. His long, slobbering tongue hung out of his mouth as he laughed manically in an alarmingly high pitch. His eyes were pinwheels. Each one of his six toes, three per foot, had black toenails as sharp as knives.

"Holy c**p!" shrieked Usagi in shock. "What the hell is this?"

"Not you guys again," Coco hollered. "What do you want?"

"It's simple really," said the dingo/crocodile combo. He had a distinctive Australian accent. "Dr. Cortex wants you three bandicoots dead." He saw Rei and Usagi staring at them. "Well, look at what we have here, two humans. Two good-looking ones. Allow me to introduce myself, ladies. The name is Dingodile. My two pals aren't much for talk. That big fellow is Tiny Tiger, and that nutter in the straightjacket is Ripper Roo. So, unless you two sheilas want to end up on the barby like the bandicoots, you'd best be off."

"Who is Sheila?" Usagi asked, clueless.

"Crash and Crunch will kick your butts!" Coco shouted proudly. "Get 'em, Big Brother!"

Crash dashed forth with impulsive speed and set his sights on Ripper Roo first while Tiny met Crunch's metal fist. Dingodile stayed back and shot fireballs from his flamethrower repetitiously at Crash. Before Crash could sock the bouncing lunatic, a fireball whizzed past his head snatching is flickering attention, giving Ripper Roo the chance to spring up high into the air, and he came down with his sharp, toenails pointed down. Crash slid forward and avoided the incoming nailing. Instantly, Ripper Roo sprang back up, and Dingodile was still shooting fireballs. It was so surprising to see how fast Crash was on his feet; he ran and jumped and crouched and dodged every fireball while even keeping an eye on Ripper Roo and avoided his aerial attacks. Ripper Roo, as he was doing this, was still laughing up a deranged storm. To Crash fortune, he came darting down right front of the path of one of Dingodile's fireballs. It crashed into him and damaged the deranged monster and stunned him long enough for Crash to charge into a spin and bopped Ripper Roo in the face with his spinning top of fits. When he ended his spin, he was posed with his right fist cocked back as though he were going to throw a pitch at a baseball game. Then, Crash let him have it and punched his lights out and sent him sailing through the air and right into Dingodile.

Tiny Tiger, though his legs in comparison to his herculean arms were puny, he could jump quite vigorously and highly too. Each time he came down, he swiped is monstrous claws around. Crunch kept out of his impressive range when he landed and was able to pick out the dumb monster's openings and sent a punch with his metal arm right into them. The punch would hit hard, but that wasn't enough to deter the goon. He slashed through the pain and even scrapped Crunch's bare chest. However, like Tiny, Crunch fought through the pain. It became obvious to the observers that the winner would be determined by who could take the most punishments. These lug-heads kept at it until their movements began to slow: Crunch covered in scrapes and lacerations, Tiny bruised and battered. Finally, Tiny ended up being the one to topple over.

"Amazing!" cheered Usagi.

Dingodile, threw Ripper Roo off of him. "It ain't over yet, Sheilas! Appear, Heartless!"

Up from puddles of shadow that formed suddenly on the ground rose balls shadow that coalesced into several Primid Heartless, small humanoid creatures in green uniforms, and Soldier Heartless, small humanoid creatures with red claws and silver helmets.

"What the fudge just happened?" Crunch exclaimed in astonishment. "Since when can you do that?"

"Since we sided with a powerful witch and her mates!" answered Dingodile. "These creatures of darkness will overrun you."

"Hold it right there, Dingodile!" Usagi called. "You just gave us all the proof we need."

"Mars Crystal Power, Make-Up!" Rings of fire erupted from Rei's Crystal Change Rod and whirled around round her. In a flash, she had become Sailor Mars.

"Moon Crisis, Make-Up!" Usagi's Crisis Moon Compact became fixed on her chest and them gorgeous pink ribbons flowed from the Silver Crystal in the compact and formed her uniform. Finishing in a pose, she was now Sailor Moon.

"What the?" Dingodile shouted, gawking.

"Nasty monsters who ruin a serene island paradise with their big jeeps, flamethrowers, crazy, noise-polluting laughter, and desire to kill sweet bandicoots really make me mad!" Sailor Moon announced. "For love and justice! A pretty soldier in a sailor suit!" She posed. "Sailor Moon! And in the name of the moon, I'll punish you!"

"I won't let you muddy this clear, tropical day with your darkness," added Sailor Mars. "Sailor Mars! And in the name of Mars, I'll chastise you!"

Dingodile, flabbergasted, stared at the Sailor Senshi with his powerful maw gaping open before snapping back to attention. "I don't care who y'all are! You're toast, ladies!"

The Heartless charged.

"We'll see about that," Mars answered powerfully. "Burning Mandala!"

Sailor Mars fired off several rings of fire that slammed into a group of Heartless, destroying them. Up from the flames rose, the freed hearts.

Sailor Moon took her tiara in her hand, and it changed into a golden, energy disc. "Moon Tiara Action!" She flung the disc, which traveled gracefully through the air and sliced into the multiple Heartless that came in its path until it returned to Sailor Moon and changed back into her tiara. She put it back on and smiled. "If you are going to overrun _us_, you'll have to use better Heartless than that."

The bandicoots were amazed. Dingodile was staggering.

"That's it!" he cried. "Tiny! Ripper!" He hopped into the jeep. "We're off!"

The two other henchmen followed his lead.

"They aren't getting away that easily!" shouted Sailor Moon. She held the Hairclip Tracking Device in her hand and then threw it. It landed inside the jeep just as Tiny revved the engine. They took off once again into the jungle.

"Those jerks are always causing problems," said Coco. "I just hate it when they get away too. Crash didn't pummel them enough."

"Actually this works out very well for us," said Sailor Moon as she took out her Compowder.

"How is that?" Aku Aku asked.

"Those weirdoes will lead us right to Dr. Cortex," Sailor Moon answered, showing them the screen of the Compowder, which showed a map of N. Sanity Island, and blinking red dot moved over the map. "I planted a tracking device on them before they left."

"Let's go after them," Sailor Mars said to Sailor Moon.

"Wait!" called Coco. "You are leaving without us."

"With the Dark Kingdom in this, it will be way too dangerous for kids and… whatever Crash is."

"Maybe we should bring along some help?" Sailor Moon suggested. "They do know this bad guy."

"No. They will just get in our way."

"At the very least," said Coco, "take Crash and Aku Aku. Crunch can stay here and look after me in case more baddies show up."

"Take Crash?" the Senshi said together. Right now, Crash was scratching his armpit. "Why?"

"Believe it or not," explained Aku Aku, "he has defeated Cortex every time."

"Well, it couldn't hurt, I guess," Sailor Moon said, scratching her head.

"Fine," Sailor Mars said begrudgingly.

Crash jumped up and let out a loud "Wahoo!"


	2. Chapter 2

Sailor Moon Chronicles R

Poison Ivy's Trap

A Wild Bandicoot on the Loose!

The green glow of the bubbling flask gave Poison Ivy's already sickly verdant skin an even more otherworldly vivacity. Her gloved fingers coiled around a test tube filled with some alienesque jam; she poured it into the bubbling flask. As the two substances came together, there was a sudden burst of steam from the mouth of the class, but it soon subsided, becoming calm.

"Keeping busy?" Harley Quinn chirped, shattering the professional silence.

A jolt shocked Poison Ivy; she nearly bumped into the table holding up her work. "Harley!" she said agitatedly. "Aren't you supposed to be monitoring Sloth and making sure he is working? You know he tries to fall asleep every five minutes."

Harley stretched her arms up and yawned. "I got bored. I wanna do something fun."

"I guess you could go deal with those two moronic scientists," suggested Ivy as she organized her work. "Mystique told me that they are driving her crazy with their incompetence."

"Now that sounds like a party!" Harley said cheerfully with a smile. "I'll visit the docs and get to know 'em. What'll you be up to?"

Ivy stopped arranging the equipment on her desk and turned to face Harley. "As it turns out, the Sailor Senshi and Cortex's nemesis are here and are already causing a mess."

"Cortex has a nemesis?"

"Apparently, Cortex is competent enough to actually warrant hero of his own. Seriously, I don't think Kaorinite is really trying hard to find good villains."

"The last few have been stinkers. That's for sure."

Poison Ivy was done cleaning up and started for the door. "I am curious to see this nemesis of his. He might be… fun."

Meanwhile, the heroes were continuing to follow the red pulsing dot. Though Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars walked together, Crash seemed to be zipping around ahead around them with little rhyme or rhythm. Mars had observed this and was really curious.

"Sailor Moon…"  
>"What is it?"<p>

"Crash Bandicoot… What _exactly_ is wrong with him?"

Sailor Moon looked up and saw that Crash was spinning around like a top and was jovially busting up the wooden crates that seemed to litter the jungle. As he did this, he was smiling broadly and snickering almost madly. Every now and then he would just stop, stand still, and look around before returning to his rambunctiousness. His energy seemed to never wane.

"Uh… he looks like he is having fun," Sailor Moon said, lulled by disbelief. "Still… he isn't much of a talker like Link."

"Link _can _talk though; I haven't heard Crash say a word."

"Do you think he can talk?"

Just then, Crash made one his abrupt stops and looked at the girls, still wearing that perpetual ear-to-ear grin.

"Do you think he heard us?" Sailor Moon said quietly and nervously.

Crash then dashed into the thick shrubbery of the jungle and disappeared.

"I don't think so," Aku Aku said after being silent for so long.

That spooked Sailor Moon, and she jumped and hollered. "You scared me!"

"Sorry," he apologized. "Crash, Coco, and Crunch are so used to me that I take it for granted and forget that a floating talking mask is quite a sight."

"It isn't that," Sailor Moon said nicely, noticing the embarrassment in his wooden face. "We have seen a lot weirder. I am just really having an off day."

"We better tread cautiously," Aku Aku said ominously. "There are giant Venus Fly Traps in this neck of the jungle."

"We will keep an eye out," said Sailor Mars. "Let's hope that Crash does too." She looked around for a moment. "Where is he?"

"Wah!" Sailor Moon shrieked and put her hands to the side of her head. "A Venus Fly Trap must have eaten Crash!"

"Oh no!" Mars shouted. "You're probably right."

"What are we going to do?" Sailor Moon said quickly, still holding her head. She then felt something wet land on her head. "What was that?"

Sailor Mars plucked it off her head. "It looks like the stem of a fruit." Then, one of those landed right on Sailor Mars forehead above her tiara. "Yuck!" She wiped away quickly and looked up and found Crash sitting on a branch of fruit-bearing tree. He was plucking off the fruits and eating. "What is he doing?" she said, annoyed.

"He is eating Wumpa Fruit," said Aku Aku. "It's his favorite food."

"Get down here!" Mars barked.

Crash swallowed and leapt down from the tree and landed before the girls, still holding some Wumpa Fruit in his arms. He held one up to Sailor Moon and gave a toothy smile.

"For me?" she asked.

He nodded.

"Thank you." She begrudgingly took a bite of it, not knowing what to expect. She bit into it and squealed. "It's so delicious!" She took more bites and stuffed her cheeks with the juice.

"Do you ever stop thinking about food?" Mars said in a huff.

Upon turning, she saw that Crash was now standing before her and looking down at his foot. A rosy blush came to his cheeks. He skidded his right foot across the dirt bashfully before holding the Wumpa Fruit up, not making eye contact. Sailor Mars smiled.

"That is really sweet of you, Crash" She took the fruit. "Thank you." It wasn't really clear to her why she did this, but she proceeded to pat him on his head like a dog, which he seemed to enjoy since he smiled and blushed even more exuberantly before darting off ahead.

"Ooh!" Sailor Moon said teasingly. "Someone has a crush on you."

Mars gasped in irritation. "Gah! You're so dumb! It's not that at all."

"Are you telling me that you like him?" Sailor Moon said slyly.

"No!" Mars barked. "He's cute like a dog is cute."

"Ooh! You think he's cute."

"Ugh! I am stuck walking through the jungle with two idiots."

"Two? Who is the second one?"

"I doubt she means me," said Aku Aku.

Sailor Moon snarled. "That's not funny."

"Get your wits together and then, _maybe_, you wouldn't get mocked so much." She bickered forth as though they were in the schoolyard.

"I am surprised Crash likes you because you're a hag!" Sailor Moon retorted in a child-like whine.

"Bun Head!"

"Mountain Hag!"

Crash suddenly burst out of the forest brush hollering, effectively ending the girls' squabbling. He ended his flailing lope before the three in skid on his heels.

"Crash, what is it?" Mars asked.

Heaving and with one hand's fingers between his teeth, he flung the other arm behind him, pointing into thick brush. A rumbling vibrated the sylvan curtains. Then, like a snake rising from the shadows, an enormous, crimson flower bud at the end of a trunk-thick vine slithered up. Those crimson petals were laced with black vein while the reds proved to somewhat translucent, for a curvaceous figure seemed to be inside. As its finish rung up, the petals opened to form a stage for the botanical vixen.

"Poison Ivy!" Sailor Moon called in shock.

Upon seeing her, Crash greeted her with a wolf's whistle.

"Uh!" Mars uttered, red.

"Say something?" Aku Aku asked.

"No," she retorted in snap.

"So the rabbit has come into the garden?" said Poison Ivy, looking at Sailor Moon. "And look, more pests."

"What are you doing here?" Aku Aku demanded.

"Research, sightseeing, and looking for a new toy to play with," she gave Crash a wink, who then answered her with a rosy-cheeked giggle. "Why don't you tell me about yourself, little fella?"

He just looked at her with his really wide, innocent, and bull-simple eyes.

"Are you shy?" she said sexily.

He just looked at her.

"Uh… are you intimidated?"

Still nothing.

"Okay, what is wrong with him?" Ivy asked the other three.

"No clue," said Sailor Moon. "We've been wondering that for the past hour."

"Whatever. Appear, Heartless!"

Up through the moist earth popped up several plant-like creatures. Each of these things stood to about Crash's height with their four roots anchoring them to the ground. Their blackish-blue faces complete with jagged mouths and yellows lay in the center of a glory of as many as four yellow-orange petals. The Emblem of the Heartless appeared on the bulges above the roots and below the thin stems that lead to the head.

"Those are Creeper Plant Heartless," called Sailor Mars. "Watch out for their projectile seeds."

Crash either didn't hear her or didn't bother listening at all because he dashed forth at the plant Heartless even as a few of them fired seeds at him. He was remarkably quick to dodge, and he jumped around and seemed to be amused with seeing the Creeper Plants twist and gyrate in place as they tried to follow his rambunctious movements. When he was ready to attack, he began to spin like a tornado and smashed into the Heartless, dislodging their roots and sending them flying. Each time he stopped spinning for a breath, the women saw him grinning with energy. It wasn't long for the squad of Heartless to be no more.

"Hmm… Impressive," Poison Ivy said. "I am beginning to see why Cortex would take you as a threat. However… you aren't a threat to me."

While she was speaking, vines had managed to slither around Crash ankles. The vines whipped back and hoisted him up high.

"Crash!" cried Sailor Moon.

"I'll set him free!" Mars shouted, putting her index fingers together for an attack.

Suddenly, two towing beings erupted from the ground on either side of Ivy's big flower. On top of four, thick, yellow bases, which thinning in diameter further up, sat a big, elaborately decorated masks adorned with rainbow extensions around the rims, a pair of red eyes and an yellow mouth with an Emblem of the Heartless smack-dab in the middle, all on the round, silver and rainbow face. Quickly, the rainbow extensions of one of these beasts glowed brightly before its eyes closed and a laser blast shot from the mask face at Sailor Mars. It took her by surprise, and though she leapt out of the way, the shock of the explosion still caught her. The other mask targeted Sailor Moon with a laser blast, but she dodged more successful. As Sailor Mars got to her feet, she saw that the one that was gunning for her was charging up again. She managed to dodge the next attack well.

"A new type of Heartless?" she called.

"Do you like them?" said Ivy. "They are called the Gamyga. Artistic, aesthetically pleasing, and deadly." She now stared into Crash's eyes. "As for you…" Vines wrapped around Crash's wrists and ankles, immobilizing all of his limbs, leaving him totally at Poison Ivy's mercy. The vines positioned him upright and brought him face to face with her. "Cotex says you can't be tamed. His approach is brutish, so synthetic. Perhaps something more…" her hand caressed his blazing pink cheek, "natural will work…" Lunging like a viper, her lips landed on his cheek. Crash's mouth stretched into a big, dumb grin, and his eyes rolled up to the clouds. As soon as she was done, the vines released him, causing him to fall and crash onto the jungle floor with a thud.

"Crash, are you okay?" Sailor Moon called.

The two Gamygas stopped firing. Their eyes still starred off blankly at the distance. All other eyes were on Crash. Steadily, he maneuvered onto his feet with drunken legs. Once on his feet, he stood silently with his face and eyes angled at the ground.

"Crash?" Sailor Moon said nervously.

His head slowly began to rise. Two things appeared off, one was the black lipstick marked on his cheek. The other was more unnerving by far. When they saw his eyes, they didn't gleam with energy or have a shiny gloss of dumb. Something primal was in those eyes.

"This isn't good," Sailor Mars said plainly.

"Not so much of an idiot now," said Poison Ivy. "Now he is the animal Cortex always wanted. What a fool he was using some ridiculous machine to take his mind while the right mix of pheromones does the trick."

"The lipstick," Mars said. She turned to Sailor Moon. "She is controlling him through the pheromones in the lipstick on his cheek. Whipping it off should snap him out of hit."

"Right!" Sailor Moon said affirmatively. She saw the Gamygas charging up their lasers and suddenly became less confident. "Right. We still have to deal with those things too."

The shots fired, and Crash made a dash for the girls, traveling on all fours, snarling all the way. The girls jumped out of the way of the lasers. However, Crash had picked a target: Sailor Mars. He met her with his fists, sending punches savagely and gracelessly.

"Crash!" she said, while blocking his blows and dodging. "Snap out of it!"

He didn't listen. Then she saw from over his head one of the Gamygas fire another blast. It hit her right in the chest, sending her backwards. She yelled out in pain.

"Mars!" Sailor Moon shouted.

Mars was on her back painfully trying to get back up. Meanwhile, Crash was slowly approaching her.

"I need to think of something soon!" Sailor Moon said quickly, her head pivoting around looking for something to help. She noticed a small spring nearby and Wumpa Fruit in a tree. "I got an idea." She charged forth, hopping away from the blast from a Gamyga, and tackled the tree. The vibration tingled up the tree and wiggled into the stems of the Wumpa Fruit, causing them to fall. Sailor Moon feverishly tried to catch one. The first few she missed, but she did manage to catch one. "Hey, Crash!" She hollered.

Crash stopped advancing toward Sailor Mars and looked at Sailor Moon.

"Look what I have here! It's your favorite food, Wumpa Fruit!" She waved the fruit in front of her.

Like a golden retriever looking at a bone, Crash began to slobber and grin with is tongue hanging down the side of his mouth.

"If you want it," she cocked her arm back, "go get it!" She threw it right into the spring.

Crash sprang forth after the fruit and leapt right into the water after it.

"No!" Poison Ivy exclaimed.

When Crash surfaced, he had the Wumpa Fruit caught in his teeth, happy as could be with eyes full of energy once again. The lipstick was running down his chick.

"He's been set free!" Ivy gasped.

"Fire Soul!"

A fireball smashed into the mask of the Gamyga, destroying the beast along with the yellow bases, and releasing the heart inside. Crash wanted to have fun too, so he made a dash for the last Gamyga, whipping himself into a spin on the way. Spinning, he slammed into the first base, destroying it, making the other one fall, destroyed that one, and he did this until only the mask was left. He ceased his spin, looked at the downed face and giggled before giving it a hard punch in between the eyes, sending it rolling into a tree where it smashed into pieces and a heart.

"Surrender, Poison Ivy!" Sailor Moon called.

"Fat chance!" she snapped back. She threw something down on to the ground, which exploded in an eruption of green smoke that engulfed the flower she stood on and her. When it cleared, she was gone.

"She is elusive in her element," said Sailor Moon. She ran over to Crash. "Are you okay?"

He nodded with a big grin and his hand in the "OK" sign.

"Sailor Moon," Sailor Mars said, "you really pulled through this time. What you did back there with the Wumpa Fruit, it was rather clever."

Sailor Moon blushed happily. "I have my moments. Alright. Let's keep heading towards Cortex's lair and finish this."

Meanwhile, back at laboratory, Cortex was looking intently through a microscope, meticulously observing what was on the petri-dish stage and then…

"What's up Doc?"

Cortex shrieked like housewife spotting a mouse and posed like one too. Harley Quinn was leaning in looking at him with a big smile.

"Watcha up to?"

"Bah!" he said, still frazzled. "You scared the Power Crystals out of me!" He looked at her and then shivered.

"Whatsa matter? You scared of clowns or women?"

"I am not scared of clowns," he said, not sounding totally believable. "Everyone in my family was a circus clown."

"You don't say?" she piped up cutely with smile, pivoting on her heels. "You wanna talk about it?"

"Why would I ever do that?" he said in haughty disgust.

"Believe or not, Doc, I was a certified psychiatrist before they locked me up in the loony bin."

"Are you sure that is what they said you were "certified" for?"

She frowned. "Come on," she said, taking his shoulders and stirring him. "Let's talk about your relationship with you mother."

Confused, and a little frightened, he didn't resist.


	3. Chapter 3

Sailor Moon Chronicles R

More Insanity Ensues!

The Bizarre Employees of N. Cortex

"I hope this castle isn't much further," whined Sailor Moon after and oversized leaf flopped down and smacked her in the face.

"Just keep going," said Sailor Mars, who was ahead. She moved a bundle of low-hanging leaves, revealing the end of the jungle, and ahead was Cortex's lair. "We are here anyway."

Sprawling before them in bulky elegance was a structure of iron and ire. Angular spikes and twisted spires scratched the cerulean skies made mucky by the rot-inducing, black smog billowing out of the smoke stacks. The sun was blacken and blocked by this smog, making night appear over the facility. Eerie yellow light glowed in the sharply arched windows.

"Typical…" sighed Sailor Mars.

Meanwhile, Poison Ivy begrudgingly marched back into the laboratory to report her failure. "Mystique, Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars are…" She walked into the room and found Dr. Cortex lying on a couch while Hailey sat in a nearby chair, writing on a clipboard. Grief and shame was painted on Cortex's droopy, yellow face.

"From my mother to Madame Amberly, I've always been rejected by women," Cortex said, staring at his folded hands on his stomach. "I can never impress them or get their approval."

"Mhmm," hummed Harley with a nod. "Now, how does that make you feel?"

"What the hell is going on here?" barked Mystique, who had just entered through another door.

Jolted by shock, Cortex fell off the couch with a shriek.

"It's rude to interrupt a therapy session," Harley said to Mystique innocently.

Poison Ivy looked over Harley's shoulder at her clipboard and saw that while Cortex was talking, the "notes" Harley was taking where just high-school-notebook drawings of herself and The Joker bedazzled with hearts.

"Well," said Mystique, seething. "While you were playing 'therapist', the Sailor Soldiers and Crash Bandicoot infiltrated the facility."

"What?" Cortex gasped, sitting up quickly. "Crash Bandicoot is still alive?"

"I dropped the ball on that one," said Ivy, avoiding eye contact with everyone.

"How could you lose?" Cortex said angrily, actually on his feet now. "You said that you would kill him with your nature-hippy powers."

"You know," Ivy said snidely, "I would kill with my toxic touch, but I don't want your mediocrity to rub off on me."

Mystique held her forehead in her hand and groaned. "Harley, take a troupe of Heartless and whichever henchmen seem competent and go take care of the Sailor Soldiers. I need to get Plan B underway now."

"You got it, Mystie," said Harley with a cute salute.

To great fortune, the front door to Cortex's facility was not locked, allowing for the heroes to gain easy access. The hallways moaned with gloom. The bland charcoal walls were accented by the lighter grey tile floor and lit by the low-hanging lamps. Aside from the copper piping that laced from the walls and across the ceiling, there wasn't much in the eye of décor.

"I don't think there would be any archive data on this place," said Mars, "and there probably isn't a map we can use. We'll just have to do a lot of guesswork on this one."

"At least, let's hope, it isn't as much of a deathtrap as Bowser's castle," said Sailor Moon.

The hallway led to white double-doors that opened to a large room which was two floors high with the second floor having catwalks. Along the walls to both floors were prison cells that appeared empty. However, it was hard to tell since the interiors of those were pitch-black. After all, the same dull hanging lamps found in the hallway provided the light in this room too.

"What do you think he keeps in here?" Sailor Moon asked.

"Cortex uses the animals on the islands in his experiments," Aku Aku explained dryly. "It's one of his favorite hobbies. Those thugs that attacked us back at the beach were all his creations. Even Crash, Crunch, and Coco were created by him."

"What!" the girls exclaimed.

Sailor Mars looked at Crash. "Dr. Cortex… made you?"

"Crash was meant to be Cortex's greatest creation, but he ended up being his greatest failure," continued Aku Aku, "which is fortunate for us."

"Well, look who stopped by without an invitation!" called Harley Quinn.

They looked up and found her standing on the catwalk at the far end of the room with standing on her left and Ripper Roo bouncing on her right.

"Harley Quinn!" called Sailor Moon.

"Just what we need," sighed Mars.

Harley made a face. "Hey, why is it just the two of you? Don't you girls travel in bigger packs like New Housewives?"

"Give it up, Harley!" announced Sailor Moon. "You might have slipped passed us before, but you'll be back in Arkham by the day's end." She posed. "In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!"

"Oh, 'blah blah blah, your speech'!" Harley said, mimicking moving lips with her hand. "We can handle you. We got some extra crazy muscle with sharp toe nails." She displayed Ripper Roo with a grandiose wave of her hands. He was giggling insistently. "And we got…" She looked at N. Gin. "What is it that you do, Igor?"

N. Gin shrieked timidly while looking at her, cringing fearfully. "I'm a thinker and d a pilot of big robots of doom." He exclaimed in terror. Certain words received emphasis. "I'm a peach. I _bruise easily_!"

"You might be round like a peach, but you're no peach," Harley commented. "You're more like an old hacky-sack."

"Why are you letting her tease you?" said suddenly.

"Uhh…" Sailor Moon uttered.

"She's an icky _girl_!" He said again. His voice was angry. He wasn't looking at anyone. His head then turned. Still, he wasn't looking at anyone. "I think Dr. Quinzel is nice. She smells like raspberries and cheese." He giggled. "She is still a girl though. Eww… girls…"

Harley nonchalantly sniffed her armpit.

"Is he talking to us?" Mars said, looking around. "Who is he talking to?"

N. Gin's head turned again. He said angrily, "Now, kill the bandicoot!" His head turned. Nicely, he said, "But a bruise like an old, hacky sack." His head turned. "Stupid, you like it when they hit you." His head turned again. He giggled. "Hehe… yeah I do."

"You know, Roo," Harley said, putting her arm around Ripper Roo. "I really feel at home.

"Umm…" Sailor Moon said, feeling incredibly uncomfortable with the bizarre spectacle playing out before her, "Are we going to fight or something?"

"Oh yeah!" Harley chimed. "I almost forgot." She held a control in her hand and pressed a button. Suddenly, several cells on the first floor opened. Nothing came out except for some low groans. However, soon, the monsters emerged in stunted strides. Groaning and twitching like madmen, the Straightjacket Heartless became known under the hazy, overhang lamps. Their chests convulsed with the slithering of something inside wanting to rip out, arms trapped in straightjackets made of their own flesh. The jagged mouths stuck in grimaces and luminous yellow eyes: it was frightening to catch this perverse sight, far worse to know that it was an enemy.

"Maybe we should have just let that fat guy argue with himself?" Sailor Moon commented lamentingly.

"I count at least five," said Mars. "We can take them. Crash, be very careful. They are a lot tougher than they –"

Before she could finish, he was off. He immediately charged one and began punching it like an inflatable punching toy that bobbed back after every punch on its wobbly legs.

"I think he has the right idea," said Sailor Moon before she kicked on back.

Sailor Mars sighed and dodge one's charge.

Crash managed to knock the Straightjacket Heartless onto its back. When he cocked his arm back to send a punch down, his wrist was lassoed by something. He found that the tongue of another Straighjacket had shot out and caught him like a frogs tongue catching a dense fly. While his attention was caught too, the downed Straightjacket began to slighter around the floor in unexpected speed and rammed in Crash's legs, knocking him down. Once on his back, the Heartless wrapped his legs around Crash's body and began to squeeze tighter and tighter. One arm still caught by the tongue of the other Heartless, leaving only one hand free to bash into the head of the Heartless that was trying to crush the air out of his lungs.

"Akuryo Taisan!" Sailor Mars shouted as she flung an ofuda tag that struck the Heartless in the forehead.

It screamed and dissolved into shadows, releasing a heart. With that pressure alleviated, Crash yanked on the tongue and made the Heartless fall on its face, easing its grip it had on Crash's wrist.

"Idiot!" Mars chastised. "Don't be so impulsive!"

He genuinely looked ashamed, giving her misty puppy-dog eyes.

"Before you two kiss and make up," Sailor Moon said with feigned nonchalance while punching a Straightjacket Heartless, "just know that we are still in a fight!" She ended in a whine. The Heartless's tongue shot out and grabbed her left shoulder. "Get your nasty tongue off of me! Moon Tiara Action!" She flung her tiara at it with her free hand and destroyed the Heartless

"She makes a good point every now and then," Mars said to Crash. "Let's take care of the rest of these."

Crash nodded.

"Burning Mandala!" Sailor Mars burned away two Heartless.

Crash went after the last one, which was the one that had ensnared him. The Heartless tried to do it again. However, Crash saw it coming this time and grabbed the tongue. Then, he spun around like a top while holding the tongue and whipped the Straightjacket off of its feet and around and around until, Crash let go. The Heartless smacked into the wall, destroyed.

"We did it!" Sailor Moon cheered.

Harley Quinn frowned. "Well, that didn't turn out to be as easy as I thought. Usually, Moon and Mars fight each other all the time. I guess we'll have to show 'em a thing or two."

"Did you not here me?" said cringing in fear. "I need a big robot to fight." His head turned. "So that I can shower them with DOOM!"

"Okay…" She turned to Ripper Roo. "What about you…"

Somehow, for some reason, Ripper Roo now wore a black top hat, thick, black rimmed classes that seemed to veil the insanity in his eyes, a red bow tie at the collar of his straight jacket, and a blond mustache.

"Where did you get that get up?" Harley asked, confused. "How did you even put it on? Did you use your feet?"

"I do apologize, Dr. Quinzel," he said to her. Everyone was shocked that he spoke and even more taken aback by how eloquent he was. "I do not find myself in any condition to '_fight_'." Put perhaps I could instead provide you with assistance in your next psychological experiment. I am, if I may toot my own horn, a genius in several scientific disciplines."

Harley just gawked at him as did the other girls.

"I don't think Batman is going to believe the report on this mission for a second," said Sailor Moon.

Ripper Roo seemed agitated by her stupid look. "If you aren't going to say anything, I am not going to waste my time waiting." He walked away and exited through the automatic sliding doors.

"What the hell was that?" Sailor Mars shouted. She looked at Crash and Sailor Moon. "You saw that too, right? It wasn't just me?"

"Oh god, I hope so," Sailor Moon whined. "This island is driving me nuts. Maybe that is where the name comes from?"

Harley looked down at the heroes. "So, it looks like I'm on my own." She rubbed the back over his harlequin cowl awkwardly and then shrugged. "Oh well!" She slid down a nearby ladder to their level and dashed towards them. Her run sprang into cartwheels once she was closer. The heroes scattered when she rolled into them. She stuck her landing and sent a flurry of punches at Crash. "I'll show you crazy, you weird, crazy dog-thing!" Quinn's fists met his jester's grin buy failed to whip it away. However, Crash did manage to grab ahold of her arm before her knuckles left his cheek. He held her close with unexpected strength, surely unexpected by her, and ginned ecstatically. "Paws off!" she shouted. He then giggled, still grinning at her. "Yuck! You're creepier than The Creeper!" While he held her, Sailor Mars yanked the remote Harley had strapped to her hip. Crash then lifted her up off the ground and tossed her into an open cell. With the remote, Mars locked the cell door, trapping her.

"It must _really_ feel like home now, Harley," said Mars.

Harley ran to the bars and pulled at them. "Hey! Open this door!" she shouted. "You're not going to mess up our plan to use Cortex to make an army of mutants!" In an instant, she knew she flubbed and clapped her hands over her mouth.

"Haha!" cheered Sailor Moon. "That was easy. Thanks. We'll be back to take you to jail." She waved good-bye.

"Rats!" Harley fretted. "You won't win. Cortex is capab…He can do stuff!"

The heroes climbed up the ladder and went through the door Ripper Roo had exited through, assuming it would lead them to Cortex.


	4. Chapter 4

Sailor Moon Chronicles R

Teamwork!

Stopping another Mad Scientist

"Well, well, well, if it isn't my old nemesis Crash Bandicoot," Cortex said as the heroes entered the cavernous laboratory. "And it looks like you brought friends. What a –"

"I have question," Sailor Moon said, cutting him off.

He was stunned having the flow of his villainous monologue abruptly dammed. "Y…yes?"

"Are you Dr. Cortex?"

"Yes, I am. You must have heard of me and my dastardly accomplishments."

"No. Not really. I was wondering if the intimidating and feared doctor wasn't actually a major fail-fest for once."

Cortex's jaw dropped.

"We just got through dealing with Dr. Nefarious and Dr. Eggman before that. Jesus! Where are your robots? Eggman had robots. Nefarious _was_ a f***ing robot! You know, in our dimension, usually when a villain has 'doctor' in his name, he is a threat or at least seemingly competent. What? Is doctor synonymous with 'loser' in this dimension?"

"Uh…"

"Sorry," Sailor Moon said. "I've been having a really bad day."

"A bad day?" Sailor Mars repeated. "I've never seen you rip someone a new one like that. I do that."

"You've kind of rubbed off on me," Sailor Moon said cutely with a blush. "You're really funny too. Being caddy comes so naturally to you."

"That's so sweet," she answered happily. "Did you notice that Cortex has the opposite body structure as Eggman?"

"Oh my gosh! You're right! Look at the size of his head and those arms puny arms. You know, I thought Eggman was pretty freaky with those weirdly long legs and the mustache that looks like a dead squirrel was taped to his face, but this guy takes the cake with that yellow skin, pen-ink dye job hair, ugly as hell goatee, and low-rider chrome N. We should talk about this with the girls over cake."

Crash was laughing, either at their comments or … whatever.

"I'm standing right here, you know!" Cortex whined, shrieking, almost crying. "I am a credible villain! I can experiment circles around that hack Eggman! It's true! I am competent, Mother!"

"What was that last one?" Sailor Moon asked.

"Nothing!"

"This mission has gone on long enough," announced Sailor Mars. "Surrender or we'll kick your butt."

"Never!" he cried. He pulled out a cartoonish ray gun and fired it, sending out a sparky yellow ray of energy. Sailor Moon leapt out of the way and disarmed him quickly with Moon Tiara Action. Cortex looked at his emptied left hand. "Oh crud…" Just then, Crash fed him a knuckle sandwich. "Uff!" he bellowed as he bounced on his back. "Oh my head…" He rubbed it gently.

"That was unbelievably easy," said Sailor Moon. "I knew it would be."

From the shadows behind Cortex stepped forth Mystique.

"Okay… Nevermind."

Cortex looked back and let out a heave of relief. "Oh, Mystique, I am so happy you're here. I was getting rid of the bandicoot and the cheerleaders when –"

He was cut off again. This time by a backhanded slapped from Mystique that propelled him onto his shoulder.  
>"Shut up!" she barked, showing her teeth. "I have had it with these s**t villains!"<p>

"You're not the only one," commented Sailor Mars.

"I've researched and watched how you get bested by a retard!" She pointed angrily at Crash. Crash gasped.

Aku Aku appeared right in Mystique's face. "That is a no-no word."

She gave him a civilized answer to his criticism by throwing him against the wall.

"He has a point, you know," Sailor Moon said, nervously at the sight of her rage. "You can't say that on most TV shows nowadays."

This blue vixen, this dark witch, was fuming with hatred. Her fists were clenched and shaking. Quietly, she said, "I have had it… APPEAR, Judgment of the Damned, Executioner Heartless!"

Spreading on the white tile like an ever growing spider's web of shadow, a vortex formed in the dead center of the room, spotlighted by the hazy lamps, which quivered from the dark energy. The shadows congealed into a filthy sludge. A large, sludge-coated hand erupted from the muck, fingers splayed. It slapped onto the tile floor and pushed up against it to left up the rest still in the shadows. Next, a hideous instrument, an enormous axe with a terrible, jagged edge and a huge hammer opposite the blade rose. Dried blood stained both the blade and blunt. What came next was still draped in black, for the head of the beast was covered in a bloodied, black cloth that was held in place by some of the nails that were jammed and still jutting out of his grey skin. A black butcher's smock hung over his fat gut while giving view to the Emblem of the Heartless in the middle of his chest. Blood, both dry and fresh, clung to his smock and elbow-length gloves. Each step he took out of the shadows brought with it the dark sludge clinging to the bottoms of his bare feet.

"Wow… You are pissed." Sailor Moon squeaked.

"Executioner, get rid of them all!"

"Clearly you don't mean me too, right?" Cortex said sheepishly.

Mystique didn't even look at him. "I'll kill the bandicoot and end this idiocy!"

The Executioner Heartless lumbered forth, dragging his monster of a weapon behind him as he walked.

"Do you have any plans?" Sailor Moon asked Sailor Mars nervously.

"Nope," she answered painfully. "We usually need a larger group to stop a Heartless of that caliber. Still, we can try. Burning Mandala!" She fired a round of fire rings.

Quickly, the Executioner took hold of his axe with both hands and brought it high into the air before slamming it down onto the ground, smashing through the fire rings before they struck him, and causing the ground to shake.

"This isn't good," said Mars.

Meanwhile, Mystique's viper strikes sniped Crash. That grin of his was no more. He was out of his league on this one, for he wasn't able to block or maneuver; he was left at her mercy. But, she seemed to be taking it slow, savoring over mark she left, every bruise, every laceration. He tried to punch once, but she caught his fist, gripping it cruelly and making the pain bring Crash to his knees, and then began to deliver repeated punches to his face over and over again, grunting each time with heated rage, "You stupid bitch," until she finally let him go. He stood, barely, on his wobbling legs. With a jab into his gut, Crash released and soundless gasp and a bit of blood. Her other hand came under his armpit. At the time she lifted him up above her head, the Executioner Heartless had raised his axe while the Sailor Soldiers were out of his range. Mystique threw him to the Executioner's feet. Crash just looked at him with a wide, terrified eye; the other eye was swallow from the Mystique's punches.

"Finish him, now!" she snarled.

The hammer came down.

"Crash!" cried Sailor Moon.

Suddenly, the hammer was swung to the left and smashed the floor, missing the target just barely. His right hand was at his face. Something had struck it. A lone rose stood on the ground next the Heartless.

"What?" exclaimed Mystique.

Quickly, Sailor Mars grabbed Crash and pulled him out of the Execution's range. "Look!" She called, pointing up.

Tuxedo Mask stood in the risers, watching over them. "The purity of an innocent mind should never be silence by the shades of hate. Together, virtues of good can repel the corruption. Sailor Moon, Sailor Mars: combine your powers to defeat that monster." He lifted up his cape and cloaked himself. "Until next time." He disappeared.

"Tuxedo Mask," Sailor Moon said dreamily.

"He's right. Sailor Moon, we need to hit him hard, one right after the other," Sailor Mars said quickly. "I'll hit him first with a new move I've been practicing." She faced the Executioner in stance and placed her arms crossed under her chin. "Hit right after this." Flames sprouted around her and bloomed above her head, twisting into a rope. "Mars Snake Fire!" The rope of flames came to life in the form of snake. The snake hissed and darted along the ground slithering speedily. The big and lumbering Heartless was not able to keep the fire snake from slithering up his legs, wrapping around his legs, growing longer as it travelled up and around the Heartless's body. Now, with the flaming snake wrapped around his body, searing his flesh, the snake opened his mouth, showing its fiery fangs, and then sank the fangs into the neck of the Executioner, causing the bite and the rest of the snake's body to explode in a burst of flames. "Now, Sailor Moon!"

"Okay!" Sailor Moon called. Her Cutie Moon Rod appeared in her hand. She waved it around elegantly, charging it up. "Moon Princess Halation!" A gorgeous crescent moon formed from golden light was released from the rod in an eruption of glittering sparkles.

The energy pierced the burning monster. Beams of light shout of other black figure. "Cleansing!" The Heartless cried as his body dissolved and the heart was released.

"We did it!" Sailor cheered, hopping with glee. She quickly switched to concern. "Is Crash okay?"

Sailor Mars was helping him sit up and surveyed his wounds. "He is fine, a little battered, but fine. Where is Mystique?"

Sailor Moon looked. "She's gone. Cortex too."

Aku Aku appeared. "Oh… my aching head… Uh, I'll be fine. Let's get out of here."

Back on N. Sanity Beach, Coco and Crunch were waiting outside of Crash's home for his return. They saw the four figures exiting the jungle: Sailor Moon, Sailor Mars, Aku Aku, and Crash leaning against Sailor Mars for support to walk.

Coco rushed to her big brother. "What happened to you? I've never seen you look like this before. Did that jerk Cortex do this to you?"

"It was Mystique," said Sailor Moon. "Once she got a hold of him, it wasn't pretty."

"However," said Sailor Mars, "he really proved to be quite a strong fighter nonetheless. He overcame Poison Ivy's poison; he outfoxed Hailey Quinn; and he wasn't killed by Mystique." Sailor Mars helped him to a reclined beach chair. Crash looked up at her and smiled sweetly without showing his big, white teeth. "He is a great guy." She gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. That big, dumb toothy grin spread across his face and did his eyes roll up into dreamland.

"The villains got away," said Sailor Moon, "but we stopped their plan and have a squad on the way to shut down the facility. Everything should be safe now. Just keep your eyes open, and…" She pulled out a small communication device. "If you're in trouble, you know who to call."

"Thank you, Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars," Coco said with a big smile.

"We should be on our way," said Sailor Mars. "Take care."

As she and Sailor Moon walked to their ship, the two of them shared some laughs.

"That was one hell of a mission," said Sailor Moon joyfully. "I am glad it's over. Gosh, this will be a weird report to read."

"It wasn't so bad," said Sailor Mars. "We got to hang out together, just the two of us." She put her hand on Sailor Moon's shoulder. "You really pulled through a couple of times."

"You were great too," Sailor Moon chimed. "That new attack of yours is really scary and cool."

"You put me in the mood for cake. It would be great to relax after this mission together with some cake."

"You see. I _can _have good ideas."

The two laughed and returned to their ship, closer than before.


End file.
